the first day in the life<3

So.. blogging.. not really my style.. but seeing as i like to talk a lot and there are not always a lot of people around to tell all of the things i want to say to.. i guess this is my one and sole option.. well.. besides keeping it all in.. some would say i'm hyper.. i think i just got a lot going on in my head that i want to get out and sometimes it overlaps and i can't get it all straight. i forget to finish one story and start telling another. my head is always spinning so to try and clear it all up i'm laying it all out here.. in writing.

I am currently living in a big old house with some of the best girls in the world. Originally i was nervous that i wouldn't fit in (because of how my life was in hs. i was never good with girls). but these girls really accepted me and treated me as a member of the group from day one. yes we fight about dumb stuff about cleaning and parties.. but what roommates don't fight about that shit?? always having people around is something i truly enjoy- especially these special girls. even if it is just to ask some advice. borrow a shirt. cry. laugh. anything. these girls are always there and i love them for it. living off campus and away from home has really forced me to grow up and deal with my fears and my problems. mainlyyyyy pukkkkeee haha.. lots of puke in my house.. too much drinking i would say but regardless.. i had to suck it up and learn how to deal with it and i'm a thousand times better for it. i no longer have anxiety attacks and ocd tendencies when it comes to throw up ha.. its a big step. seriously. i also sorta learned how to take a joke. although i still take some things seriously- i have learned how to deal with getting crackedd onn and do it back (thanks roomies). i also learned there are some things that don't need to be said and you should keep to yourself. the truth isn't always the best thing to say. sometimes it hurts a ton more than it helps. a lot of the timeeee. all in all- living in that house is probably one of the best experiences in my life and i wouldn't give it or the girls up for the world. <3

one thing my mother recently pointed out to me is that because i never defended myself when i was younger and am trying to avoid being walked all over like i used to be, sometimes (a lot more now than ever i'm the aggressor. the bully. i feel like i need to be this big bitch to block anyone from getting too close. i can't show i'm vulnerable. not even for a second. i guess that can give the wrong impression. but i just can't deal with the hurt anymore- i went through too much to get where i am at and i can't take a step back.
butttt.. i wonder - could i be making someone else feel how people made me feel when i was younger? when i kick people out of my house or get in their face - do they feel as shitty as i once did? what kind of hypocrite am i to do something like that to others? that doesn't make me a very good person does it? i don't have any excuse. other people doing it to me is no excuse. so how can i go about fixing this over defensive and even offensive attitude i have while still not taking anyones shit?.. i guess i will have to see..

todayyyy was a great day. christmas is right around the corner and i got to see gina and take a christmas picture with her. we went christmas shopping and even made the best of her getting lost by going to the lenox outlet. we hiked all the way to menlo mall and didnt get home until over 5 hours later.. greattttt timinnngggg.. we got her a gorgeous dress for her trip to the ballets in europe as well as great gifts for her family. we became engaged today but on the wrong finger with a purple stoned ring. how could anyone say no to marrying a girl like thatttt?.. not meeee.. thats my biffffyy right there.. best girl in the world.. most honest loyal sweet helpful caring genious individual i have ever met. there is no one in the world more driven to succeed than this girl and meanwhile- she still finds time to spend with her friends. there really is no one like her.

on that note i must go.. the christmas tree man is coming for a visit =)

man i love christmas - only 4 more days.. can't wait for the fun to start

<3 neeeeekkszzzz xox